Dumbest Criminals Who Must Not Want Their Freedom

To break the law with your freedom intact, you need to be either smart, intimidating, or lucky. But some miscreants don’t match any of those criteria. In fact, some criminals are so incredibly dumb that they end up doing the hard work for the police, making their arrest not only simple, but also inevitable!

From robbers who accidentally called the cops on themselves to California’s phantom pooper, let’s explore some embarrassingly dumb people who clearly don’t want their freedom.

Comical Criminality

When a Missouri comic book store had 3,000 comics stolen from a storage unit, the owner was devastated. He sent a message around asking local stores to notify him in the event that anyone attempted to cash in on them. You can imagine his surprise when they all showed up one day, at his own store, accompanied by the woman who stole them.

The less-than-genius thief was attempting to sell the comics to the very store she had stolen them from, despite the boxes having the owner’s details and signature. With the help of the police, the criminal was caught, and the comics were returned to their rightful owner. With a failure of this level, perhaps they should have tried to steal a brain instead.

Don’t Blow It!

Two Florida burglars probably thought they were very clever indeed when they had the bright idea to use a blowtorch to break into an ATM. But the reason welding gear isn’t standard equipment for ATM robbers became very clear, very quickly.

Instead of providing access to the cash, the burning heat welded the ATM’s hinges shut. The robbers left with nothing, but the whole event was caught on CCTV, and images of the embarrassing escapade were shared with the world by Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office.

Three In A Bed

In 2018, three British teenagers aged between 16 and 19 were jailed after an attempted burglary went hilariously wrong. After receiving reports that four teens had been acting suspiciously outside a house in Leighton Buzzard, England, police arrived on the scene.

Upon entering the house, officers found the teenagers hiding in a bed, pretending to sleep. Officers may have tucked them in had it not been for the large amount of stolen jewelry hidden under the bedsheets with them.

Despite being caught, the teenagers tried to double down on the lies and pretend that they didn’t even know each other. Despite being in the same bed, in someone else’s house. Unsurprisingly, the police saw through their stories.

Now, if you look at their mugshots, you may think “I can’t believe these smart-looking young men would be involved in such a thing”; but it’s true.

Deputy Doorbell

Video doorbells are becoming an increasingly common safety feature in homes, allowing homeowners to easily see who approaches their door, even while out of the house. The doorbells are always on and always recording; something not all thieves seem to be aware of.

One would-be thief in Fresno, California was captured attempting to steal four separate video doorbells in the same neighborhood on the same day. The level of stupidity on show was almost unbelievable; after all, he must’ve known what the doorbell cameras' functions were in order to understand their value.

And yet, he seemed to somehow forget they’d be filming him when he went to nab them, as he didn’t even cover his face. What’s more, he couldn’t even remove three of the four cameras, so he gained very little besides the embarrassment of being caught.

Toy Criminal

In 2016, the Police in Indio, California were on the hunt for a thief who climbed through the ceiling of a YMCA and stole money from a cash register. The whole thing was caught on CCTV, and his entrance was about as smooth as a sandpaper baby wipe.

But it gets better: unfortunately for the burglar, the cash register was a toy and the cash inside was worthless play money. If the profit from a burglary reflects a thief’s intelligence, I think it’s fair to say this one earned about as much as he deserved.

Hungry For Punishment

In 2018, a phone thief’s penchant for convenient snacks proved to be his downfall. The Chicago rookie criminal was easily located by police after he used a stolen phone to order Uber Eats to his doorstep.

After stealing the phone at gunpoint, the thief used the victim’s app to purchase food, despite how easily the police could trace his location; after all, the food was delivered to his own home. While I’m sure it would’ve been a great last meal of freedom, unfortunately for him, the police arrived before his food did.

The Phantom Pooper

In 2017, a thief decided to relieve himself mid-burglary, using a toilet inside his unwitting victim’s house. You’d have thought he’d have waited for a less tense environment, but I guess when you gotta go, you gotta go.

As if a burglary wasn’t bad enough, the intruder didn’t even have the courtesy to flush! Leaving his unpleasant surprise for the owner of the Ventura, California home, he escaped.

But what he hadn’t considered was that his parting gift harbored a wealth of his DNA, which police were easily able to match to the profile they already had for him on their database. They caught him, but he will always go down in history as Ventura’s Fecal Phantom. Just remember, stupid people aren’t annoying, they are free entertainment.

Arriving In Style

In Australia, one criminal made a bad situation even worse when he showed up to court on charges of car theft in a stolen car. Police officers in the nearby station spotted the parked car, recognizing it as one that had been stolen the week before.

When the man emerged from the Magistrates Court, having been charged for his initial car thievery, he was instantly arrested again for the exact same reason.

Official Binge Business

In 2018, a man barged into a Zaxby’s fast food restaurant in Snellville, Georgia and demanded free food. Why? Because he was an undercover FBI agent, of course! At least, that’s what he claimed.

For him, there was no further explanation or proof necessary beyond showing the cashier an empty gun holster. This wasn’t enough proof for the cashier, though, who called the police. When police arrived, the odd fellow continued to insist he was an FBI agent.

After calling the FBI’s Atlanta field office, the officers soon realized that the man had never worked for the FBI, to the surprise of, well, no one at all. Though, I’ll admit, it’s one of the most creative ways I’ve seen someone attempt to get free food.

Keeping Up With Appearances

An Australian fugitive's time on the run was cut short by vanity and stupidity in 2016 after she escaped from a correctional facility. Local police posted pictures of the fugitive on social media, asking the public to keep an eye out for her, but the fugitive herself found the photos to be sub-par.

In a moment of utter brilliance, she contacted the police department on Facebook to request that they use a more attractive photo than her mugshot. Because God forbid, she – a convicted criminal – look bad in the public eye. She even had the courtesy of providing a replacement.

via Facebook

Unsurprisingly, the police declined the offer. They did, however, use her Facebook posts and activity to track her down.

Off Without A Hitch

When an escaped inmate tried to hitch a ride on a Kentucky highway in 2018, his hopes were high when a car slowed down to pick him up. Unfortunately for him, the car was being driven by an officer of the law.

Technically, he was campus police, but he still knew something was amiss. After all, the inmate had handcuffs dangling off one of his wrists. The prisoner had made a break for freedom during a routine transfer and officers had lost track of him in the pursuit. He thought he was getting a ride, and while he did, it was back to prison.

Butt Of The Joke

When an emergency operator in Fresno, California answered a call and their standard questions went unanswered, they were puzzled. The operator listened in to see if they could piece together the situation on the other end of the phone.

Instead of an ongoing emergency, the operator overheard the two men discussing their plans for a drug deal. If that wasn’t bad enough, the men then continued to make plans to rob cars to fund their drug habits. It soon became clear that the callers had fallen victim to a seriously unfortunate butt-dial to precisely the last number they could’ve hoped to call.

The operator dispatched the police to their location and the bumbling pair were arrested before they could do any damage.

In another story of butt-dials gone wrong, two men accidentally called 911 while discussing their plans to rob a barbecue restaurant in Kentucky. Their call included in-depth details about their plans and their identities. The 911 operator traced their call to the parking lot of the restaurant and sent officers to the scene.

But not only was the criminals’ conversation inadvertently shared directly with authorities; the local police chief was sitting inside the restaurant they were targeting! Needless to say, he intercepted them in the parking lot, presumably after finishing his last rib.

Though the men were caught by the police, surely their worst punishment was being banned from the barbecue restaurant for life.

A Very Special Agent

In one of the strangest cases of 2019, an American woman found her way into the CIA headquarters multiple times over a 3-day period, seeking a rather unusual member of staff. Despite the fact that she was technically trespassing on her repeated entries to the HQ, the matter at hand was clearly above the law.

Each time she entered, she demanded to speak to “Agent Penis”. She insisted that she had been recruited to join the CIA by the uniquely-named agent, but the staff refused to believe her.

Her repeated attempts to enter the secure building landed her in custody and she was charged with a Class B misdemeanor. Little do they know, somewhere in a CIA back office, Agent Peter Enis sits waiting long and hard, impatiently to this day for his new recruit, wondering what’s taking her so long.

Selfie Slip-Up

Technology caused the downfall of another dumb criminal in 2014. When the criminal ran off with expensive jewelry from a London jeweler, he probably felt like a master of his craft. But when the police arrived, they noticed he’d left his mobile phone in his hasty exit, as well as his bag.

As if it wasn’t already easy enough for the police, he’d put his selfie as the lock screen. For someone who’d successfully stolen $300,000 worth of valuables before his capture, that was a jewel of a blunder.

License And Mastication

Drunk driving is about as stupid as it gets, but in 2018, one Canadian drunk driver somehow outdid himself when asked for his license and registration after being pulled over. In his inebriated confusion, instead of his license, he handed the arresting officer the hamburger he’d been chowing down on.

In that state, it’s amazing he even made it that far! Needless to say, the driver was promptly arrested and charged with intoxication and dangerous driving. Unluckily for him, the cops had already eaten.

Hidden In Plain Sight

When a burglar attempted to enter a house through a back window before quickly disappearing, the terrified homeowners thought they had scared them off by loudly calling the police.

But when police arrived to investigate, they realized the burglar was still in the yard. Bizarrely though, rather than run off, the burglar had chosen to sit on a patio chair, perfectly still, attempting to hide in plain sight.

Unfortunately for him, police officers aren’t T-Rexes from Jurassic Park, and don’t require movement to see you. Seeing as this is the real world, the lawn chair bandit was quickly spotted and arrested.

Window of Inopportunity

Last but not least, this confounded criminal was quite literally caught in the act when his attempted burglary ended with him suspended upside down from a window!

After attempting to climb through a small open window in broad daylight, the burglar’s pants became caught on the window frame and he was left dangling upside down for more than an hour.

As a crowd gathered to ridicule the incompetent criminal, he tried to convince them that he’d gotten stuck while attempting to stop someone else from robbing the house. The hammer in his hand, which he’d used to smash the larger window in an attempt to escape after becoming trapped, suggested otherwise.

Obviously, no one believed him. And, being an English community, no one set him free either, leaving him hanging there until the police arrived.

I hope you were amazed at these dumb criminals whose only skill is getting caught by the police. Thanks for reading!