Stupid Criminals Who Must Not Want Their Freedom - Part 3

From failed escapees to fumbling thieves, most crooks aren’t criminal masterminds, and in fact, countless crimes are committed by absolute numbskulls. Let's examine a criminal lineup of trashy thieves and masters of disguise, as we take another patrol through the dumbest criminals who must not want their freedom!

Man Blames Dog For Drunk Driving

Dogs are supposed to be man’s best friend, and the theory was tested in 2023 when a drunkard from Springfield, Colorado tried to make his pooch take the blame for a crime that he’d committed. The perp visited a bar with his pup and drove home, despite being over the legal limit. Then, he made the situation even worse by speeding and getting stopped by the cops.

He knew that he’d be arrested for driving under the influence, so when he pulled over, he put his dog in the driver’s seat and hopped out the car. Then, when the cops reached the vehicle and found the dog behind the wheel, the owner claimed that he hadn’t been driving, implying that the pooch had been the one speeding.

Unfortunately, the cops had watched the entire situation unfold from their squad car and the driver was clearly drunk, so they arrested him and charged him with driving under the influence, speeding and resisting arrest. Springfield Police stated the dog was let go with a warning and given to a friend of the owner, and although they didn’t reveal what breed it was, the pet was definitely about that pug-life, and it got away scottie-free. They also didn’t name the driver, but the culprit was a drunk moron from Springfield.

Invisible Criminals

In 2002, an Iranian bank robber decided to skip the all-important step of choosing a cunning disguise, when he walked into a Tehran bank without a mask and started openly snatching banknotes from the customers hands. Unsurprisingly, the civilians immediately fought back and called the police. But the criminal was shocked, and when the cops arrived, he explained that prior to the robbery, he’d paid a wizard $625 to make him invisible.

The sorcerer claimed that his spell would make the criminal disappear, and allow him to perform a heist undetected. But unfortunately, the magic was a dud, and the only spell the criminal received was a long-spell in prison. He definitely should’ve saved $600 and bought a ski-mask instead, but surprisingly, he isn’t the only bank robber who tried to disappear to perform a heist.

Most kids know that lemon juice can be used as invisible ink, as the clear liquid turns brown when it’s heated up. But unfortunately, McArthur Wheeler and Clifton Johnson from Pittsburgh didn’t fully understand this grade school concept because they believed that if they poured lemon juice on their faces it would make them invisible to security cameras.

In 1995, they covered their cheeks in juice before robbing 2 Pittsburgh banks with no disguise. The lemon-scented bandits got away with $5,200 and stinging eyes, but the security cameras clearly captured their faces, so it didn’t take long for the cops to track them down. When the citrusy-criminals were arrested Wheeler reportedly shouted, “but I wore the juice!”

However, that defense didn’t hold up in court. He was sentenced to 24 ½ years in prison, giving him plenty of time to relearn grade-school science, while proving that when life gives you lemons, you shouldn’t squeeze them on your face and rob a bank!

Man Dressed As Santa Robs Florida Bank

Buying a present for every child on Earth must cost Santa a ton of money, and it turns out, Saint Nick gets this cash in illicit ways. On the 23rd of December 2013, a bank in Port Orange, Florida was robbed by Kris Kringle himself, when a criminal decided to hold them up with a Christmas present that he claimed contained a weapon.

The heist worked, as Santa took money from a teller and left the package behind. However, when the local bomb squad arrived they found the box was empty, and the criminal had been bluffing!

In the end his gamble didn’t pay off, because during the police’s investigation they discovered security footage from a local Walmart that showed a man in the same Santa outfit buying the wrapping paper used in the robbery. They were able to trace the purchase to a man called Mark London, and he was promptly arrested and sentenced to 8-years in prison.

In 2014 another criminal Santa struck, by robbing a post office in Melbourne, Australia. The sinning Saint Nick demanded money from the cashier before stuffing it in a giant sack and making his escape in a jeep. Unlike Mark London, this bearded bandit was never caught or identified, so he might be the real deal, maybe the Melbourne PD should consider searching for the criminal in the North Pole.

'Bad Santa' robs post office by ABC News (Australia)

Bank Robber Dresses As Woman

Those criminals made the naughty list, but they aren’t the only thieves who’ve donned intriguing disguises. In 2010, Dennis Hawkins decided to rob a bank in Pittsburgh while disguised as a woman. The blonde bombshell walked in with a BB gun, a wig and a heavily stuffed shirt , but he didn’t bother to shave his goatee, allowing the bank tellers to easily identify him as a dude in disguise.

Hawkins actually made it out with the money, but instead of keeping a low profile he immediately went to a gas station and tried to steal a car, where he was caught and arrested. His disguise linked him to the bank robbery so the busty thief was busted, and he learnt that when you pick out a disguise you should probably try to cover your face. Like the astounding porch pirate in the clip below:

Porch pirate disguised as trash bag steals package from home doorstep: VIDEO by ABC 7 Chicago

Talk about criminal trash. This home security footage shows the moment that a thief successfully stole a package in Sacramento by wearing a trash bag and waddling to the front door. The homeowner Omar Munoz explained that although the criminal was never identified or caught, the package he stole contained 2 phone chargers that were worth less than $10. So, the robbery was pointless and all it achieved was ruining Omar’s day, as both his phone and the criminal remained un-charged.

Man In Cow Suit Steals Milk

Whether it’s revenge, jealousy or greed, establishing the motive for a crime can be difficult, and sometimes a criminal’s actions are so bizarre that they’re impossible to explain. In 2011, Jonathon Payton walked into a Walmart in Stafford County, Virginia on all fours, while wearing a full-body cow costume. He then stood up and filled his cart with 26 gallons of milk, before waltzing out of the store and handing it out in the parking lot for free.

When the Walmart’s employees realized that Payton hadn’t paid for the milk and confronted him, the bovine bandit reportedly fled the scene and skipped to a nearby McDonalds. However, the customers there also called the cops due to Jonathon’s erratic behavior, so the police were able to track him down, arrest him and charge him with misdemeanor shoplifting for stealing $92 of milk.

Jonathon never explained why he committed the bizarre theft, but every criminal needs a partner in crime, and maybe this next criminal would be his dream woman. In 2008 Michelle Ann from Middletown, Ohio was arrested for drunkenly chasing kids around her street and urinating on her neighbors porch while dressed in a cow costume, giving a new definition to neighborhood beef.

Unfortunately, Michelle didn’t explain why she wore the strange outfit to go on her rampage, but when she was taken to court, she reportedly told the judge to ‘suck her udders’ before being charged with disorderly conduct.

Fortunately, the judge saw through her disguise and sentenced her to a month in Middletown Jail instead of the local dairy farm, ensuring she was appropriately punished for her crime. Still, after a month in the slammer Michelle Ann was released to the streets, and it wouldn’t be surprising if in the future, Michelle and Jonathon team up like a Bovine Bonnie and Clyde to commit a cow-themed crime spree!

Twinkling Toes Lead To Arrest

Wearing a lousy disguise isn’t the only way that a criminal’s outfit can foil their plans. One night in 1993, Alfred Acree was selling the devil’s dandruff out of his van in Charles City County, Virginia, when the police pulled him over. As the cops approached, Alfred grabbed his illicit substances, jumped out of the vehicle and ran into some woods.

The cop’s gave chase on foot but they were unable to spot the criminal in the dark until his shoes started to flash with bright red lights. Alfred was wearing a pair of light-up shoes from LA Gear that activated every time his heel hit the ground. These sneakers were popular in the 90s, but they led the cops straight to Alfred’s location, allowing them to catch and arrest him with $800 worth of booger sugar in his pockets.

The dealer should’ve spent that money on more practical sneakers or he could’ve taken a leaf out of this next criminal’s book and stolen them.

In 2019, a woman in Venezuela tried to shoplift 8 pairs of jeans by putting them all on in the dressing room and waddling out of the store. But like Shakira, her puffy hips didn’t lie, and she was immediately caught by staff-members who took her to a backroom and forced her to hand the stolen goods over.

Sneaky Shoplifter Strips off 8 Pairs of Pants After She Gets Busted by Security by ViralOne

The woman was literally caught with her pants down, but she hasn’t been publicly-identified and it isn’t clear whether she was arrested. However, this video has amassed over 4-million views on Facebook, so her crime was punished with a pretty heavy dose of public humiliation!

Signed Confession

When CSI investigates a crime scene, they look for clues to reveal the perpetrator’s identity. Like DNA evidence, fingerprints, or ideally, a piece of paper signed with the criminal’s full name. In 2018, Glenn Flory robbed a bank in Bentleyville, Pennsylvania by asking a teller for a deposit slip, before using it to write a threatening note demanding money. The teller gave him around $1,300 in cash, and when Glenn freely walked out of the bank he thought he’d performed the perfect heist.

But, when the police arrived and examined the ransom note, they discovered that when Flory wrote on the safety deposit slip, his muscle-memory kicked in and he accidentally signed his real name on it. Bentleyville has a population of just 2,300 people, so the cops were able to track-down and arrest the borough’s only ‘Glenn Flory’ around 4-hours after the robbery took place!

When it comes to criminal calling cards, leaving a signed confession at the scene of your robbery is pretty dumb. But, at least Glenn’s confession was a mistake and he didn’t voluntarily hand himself in to the authorities.

In 2012, the US and Afghan militaries put out a $100 bounty on Mohammad Ashan, an extremist commander who was suspected of plotting 2 IED attacks. They placed wanted posters all over Afghanistan’s Paktika province, and a short while later, Mohammad Ashan willingly approached a military checkpoint and handed himself in, while demanding that he should be paid the cash reward.

The soldiers arrested Ashan on the spot, and a biometric scan confirmed that he really was the Taliban leader. Of course, he wasn’t paid the $100, and when a US official was asked why Ashan turned himself in, they responded, ‘Clearly, the man is an imbecile.’

Failed Getaway

The perfect getaway requires the perfect vehicle, and Hollywood’s thieves have evaded the police in everything from souped up sports cars, to nimble mini coopers. But some criminals don’t put much thought into their getaway car, and some of them don’t bother to check that it’s large enough to carry the loot that they’re stealing.

The burglars in the clip above from Ciudad Bolivar, Colombia, tried to steal a washing machine, but they didn’t make a clean getaway because the appliance didn’t fit in their mid-sized sedan. As a group of good Samaritans followed in Hotpoint pursuit, the criminals were forced to abandon the loot, allowing the civilians to carry the washing machine back to the owner’s house. The thieves were completely unsuccessful, and they probably should’ve opted for a larger vehicle like a pickup truck. Although, even that doesn’t always get the job done.

In 2015, a criminal from Queensland, Australia attempted to steal a gas station’s ATM by dragging it out of the building with a chain hooked up to his truck. Unfortunately, the chain was a bit too short, causing it to repeatedly disconnect from the ATM and his vehicle. After a couple of failed attempts, the thief gave up and drove away, with an empty chain dragging across the asphalt.

Attempted ATM theft, Townsville by QueenslandPolice

The man was never identified or arrested. But the video amassed over 1.5 million views online, so, hopefully the fact that his blunder went viral turned him away from a life of crime. But you can't be too confident about that either!

Selfie Incriminating

We use our phones and tablets to message friends, make calls and watch handsome YouTubers, so it’s pretty stressful when your smart device gets lost or stolen. In 2013, Allen Engstrom found this out the hard way, when he accidentally left his iPad on a flight from Phoenix to Denver. The airline was unable to find the tablet, and as a month passed by, Allen thought the device was lost until these photos of a mysterious stranger started appearing on his son’s iPod.

Allen realized that the goofy selfies were being taken on his iPad, and the tablet was automatically uploading them to the family’s shared iCloud account. This confirmed that his device had been stolen, so, he uploaded the selfies onto Facebook, hoping that somebody would recognize the criminal. He even parodied her photos, and considered uploading a picture of himself to the cloud with a sign that read ‘I want my iPad.’

However, Allen ultimately decided against it, and when nobody revealed the criminal’s identity he stopped giving updates online, so it isn’t clear whether he ever recovered the device. The thief was publicly shamed on Social Media, but that’s a pretty light punishment for theft, and it isn’t nearly as bad as the time that my iCloud photos got leaked. Still, this isn’t the first time that a dumb criminal has shared their own confession online.

In 2012, Michael Baker from Kentucky decided to impress his friends by siphoning gasoline out of a cop car. He got his buddy to take a photo of the crime before posting it on Facebook, which allowed the cops to immediately track Michael down and arrest him on misdemeanour charges. We’ve all posted embarrassing things on Social Media, but Michael’s really takes the cake, as he was able to add another photo to his Facebook profile: a mugshot.

Prisoner Gets Stuck In Wall During Escape

The stupidest criminals are usually caught by the cops and thrown in jail. However, lots of these dumb-dumbs double-down on their stupidity by attempting to escape from prison.

In 2022, four prisoners in Ceres, Brazil attempted to escape prison by digging a hole through the wall using a dismantled shower pipe, before crawling to freedom. The first criminal slipped through the hole and escaped, but when Rafael Valadao attempted to follow him, the 225lb prisoner got wedged in the crawl space. The other escapees couldn’t push him through, so Rafael was forced to shout for help from some nearby guards.

The guards snapped some photos with big smiles on their faces, before calling the fire department to cut him out of the wall. The unsuccessful prisoners were ridiculed and escorted back to their cells. But to be fair, the plan would’ve worked if Rafael spent more time working out in the yard and less time eating junk food from the commissary.

Other escapees have developed similar plans, like a Brazilian criminal from Santa Catarina, who tried to escape his cell by squeezing through the food-hatch.

Thief gets stuck in cell door at a Brazil police station by INTERNATIONAL NEWZ

Unfortunately, the crook was larger than a lunch tray, and he got stuck in the tiny gap. The cops had to call the fire department to free him, and they started by pouring sunflower oil on his body to help him slip through. This didn’t work, so, they used power tools to cut the man out before immediately placing him in another cell.

Fast-Food Thief

When you picture a heist, you probably imagine a team of criminals robbing a bank or an art gallery. However, not all thieves have such lofty aspirations, and in 2020, a man from Lawrenceville, Georgia burgled a Taco Bell in the early hours of the morning by breaking through the drive-in window. He grabbed a laptop and a tablet, but all that thieving made him hungry, so he decided to cook himself a snack.

'Nacho' average burglar: Man breaks into Taco Bell, cooks, takes nap on floor by CBS 17

Taco Bell always gives me the runs, but this guy didn’t bother running away, and after eating his Crunchwrap Supreme he was supremely tired so he lay down on the floor to nap for 3-hours! Sleeping at the scene of the crime is pretty stupid, but when the burrito bandit woke up the restaurant was still empty, so he just climbed back through the window and escaped with the stolen electronics.

Amazingly, the criminal was never identified or caught. However, it’s pretty lucky he robbed a Taco Bell instead of another fast food establishment. Ronald and the Colonel wouldn't let him get away so easily!

Man Wanted For Leaving Dead Fish At Goonies House

So far, we’ve largely looked at petty low-life criminals. So let’s move onto a genuine pirate who tried to escape the law by stealing a boat and sailing into the seven seas.

In 2023, the Police in Victoria, Canada put out a warrant for the arrest of Jericho Labonte on charges of criminal harassment and mischief. Labonte was announced as a risk to public safety by police for the charges, and he went on the run.

He soon appeared 235-miles away in Astoria, Oregon, when he trespassed onto the porch of the house that was featured in the 1985 movie The Goonies. While trespassing, Labonte recorded himself placing a dead fish on the house’s porch before uploading the footage onto social media.

This prompted the police to start searching for him in Astoria, but Jericho wasn’t ready to turn himself in, so he headed to a nearby port and stole a small yacht, before sailing into the ocean to make his escape.

Unfortunately a giant storm rolled in, forcing Jericho to call the coast guard and get airlifted to safety after his ship capsized. The Coast Guard didn’t realize that they’d rescued a wanted criminal, and by the time that the cops heard about the ordeal Jericho had been treated in hospital and released.

However, his freedom was short-lived, as after a brief manhunt the cops found him hiding out in a homeless shelter and arrested him. Jericho was hauled to jail and charged with theft, criminal mischief and reckless endangering another person. This gave him a rap-sheet that Blackbeard would be proud of and in my opinion, it’s established him as one of the strangest pirates to ever live.

Thief Hides In Drain

For law-abiding citizens, the idea of committing a crime and getting thrown in jail is absolutely terrifying. But it turns out, there are worse places to get stuck than a cell. In 2023, a suspected package thief in Fayette County, Georgia ran away from the cops and crawled inside a storm drain, before discovering that the pipe it led to was just 50-yards long.

The cops gathered at both ends of the pipe and demanded that the criminal come out, but after an hour of negotiating he still refused to cooperate. So, the police let a K-9 unit called ‘Axe’ into one end of the pipe, causing the criminal to rush to the other side and surrender. Unfortunately, he got wedged in the end of the tube, so the cops had to use the long arm of the law to pull him out of the drain as Axe nipped at his heels.

The crook got out and was apprehended after a relatively brief time in the drainage tube; which is, strangely, a location-type criminals seem to love hanging around.

In 2011, another group of criminals in Ceres, California snatched Jared Medeiros’s phone out of his hand, before throwing it into a storm drain. Those criminals sadly got away, but when Jared attempted to crawl into the drain to recover his phone he got wedged for 40 minutes with his feet sticking out of the ground.

Jared was thankfully rescued, but the lesson is clear: whether you’re fleeing from cops or you’re the victim of a crime, be sure to avoid tight storm drains!

Thick as Thieves

In Hollywood, heists usually involve high-speed police chases, as the criminals do everything they can to evade capture. In reality, the dumbest criminals often fail to get away from the crime scene.

In 2016, a man from Jastrowie, Poland tried to steal cash from a ticket booth at a train station, but he became stuck while attempting to squeeze through the security bars. The criminal tried to wriggle free, but after a while a rail worker discovered the strange scene and called the cops and fire service. The firefighters had to ‘warsaw’ through the bars to cut him free, but the cops immediately revoked this newfound-freedom, by giving him a ride to jail and charging him with attempted theft.

The embarrassing incident taught the bandit to cut back on the Kielbasa, but there are worse places to get stuck. In 2013 a man from Santa Catarina, Brazil tried to break into a restaurant in the early hours of the morning by climbing through an oven’s extraction chimney. Unfortunately the flimsy chimney immediately broke under his weight, trapping him inside the metal tube. Luckily a witness watched the break-in and had already called the cops, so the grease-stained criminal was soon cut free before being hauled off to jail.

A similar situation occurred in 2017, when a criminal from Makokoba, Zimbabwe was stuck in a chimney for 2-days after his gang tried to rob a local youth center. The gang-members climbed in through the chimneys and stole 2 computers, a laptop and a jacket.

However, when this unlucky criminal became stuck his crew bailed on him, forcing him to wait for help. 2-days later, the Youth Center’s cleaner heard him shouting for help, and when he was rescued he stunk of excrement, was covered in flies, and told his rescuers that he was starving.

The criminal was arrested for the attempted burglary, but he probably had already suffered enough. If pooping your pants and going 2 days without a meal doesn’t rehabilitate you, nothing will! If you were amazed at these stupid criminals, you might want to read part 1 and part 2. Thanks for reading!