Stupid Criminals Who Must Not Want Their Freedom - Part 2

In the world of crime, there are some individuals who’re so incompetent, they make the work of the police a walk in the park. With stories ranging from the funniest failed bribery attempt to the most ridiculous police chase ever, let’s check out some criminals so dumb, they must not want their freedom.

Benson 22

The game of football, or soccer, as it’s called in America, has some pretty crazy fans all over the world. Paul Benson, from Belfast, Northern Ireland, happened to be a fan of Manchester United. He also happened to be a fan of petty theft.

On one thieving session at his local Tesco supermarket in 2015, Paul loaded himself up with £104-worth of goods, and was preparing for a clean escape until the store’s staff spotted him shoplifting. Paul fled the scene with the goods in hand, hoping he’d be able to avoid being identified. But Paul failed to account for one important thing.

He’d been wearing his favorite Manchester United jersey, which happened to have his name printed in big letters on the back. After one glance at the CCTV, the police were able to identify thief by his unmissable name tag, and he was arrested soon after. Word to the wise: if you want to remain anonymous, don’t commit crimes in your personalized sportswear. Otherwise, you might end up as a Benson 22.

Come Back Later

When a vape shop owner in Belgium found himself faced with a group of robbers one afternoon in October 2018, he tried something he probably never thought would actually work. As most of the store’s sales tended to happen later in the day, he advised the robbers to return later, when the earnings had picked up a bit. Unbelievably, the robbers agreed with the suggestion.

They left, and the shopkeeper called the police. The police, however, were reluctant to send someone out, as they argued the chances of the robbers returning to the crime scene was almost zero. But, it turned out, the police were wrong. The robbers returned later in the afternoon, and, incredibly, the store owner was able to convince them to come back later still, as peak business hours were about to begin.

With the criminals’ gullibility confirmed, the shopkeeper phoned the police again, this time being able to convince them that the criminals were coming back. So, a couple of undercover cops came to the store, hid in the stockroom, and waited. Sure enough, the robbers returned once again, and when they did, the police burst out and arrested them.

Shopkeeper outsmarts thieves by telling them to come back later by Daily Mail

By returning to the scene of the crime not once, but twice, these catastrophically incompetent lawbreakers made this a very easy case indeed for the Belgian police force.

Easy Identification

There are a couple of very important things to remember when carrying out a crime. Firstly, never return to the scene like those Belgian robbers did. Secondly, never leave anything at the crime scene that might be used to identify you.

One burglar from Leeds, England forgot to follow that very basic second rule back in 2014, when he broke into, of all places, an orphanage. With the normal residents on an evening trip to the cinema, the burglar gained access to the building’s safe before making off with the loot. But on his way out, he dropped something which he really shouldn’t have brought with him in the first place, which the police found immediately upon investigating the crime-scene: the burglar’s birth certificate!

It remains unclear why he had it on his person, but it made for a quickly-closed case when paired with the fingerprints he left in the building. A remarkably similar case also occurred in Boston, USA, in 2013. When a woman had her purse stolen in the street, the robber unknowingly dropped his own bag before running off. Luckily for the woman, the robber’s bag was overflowing with information that would prove very useful to the police.

Among clothes and sneakers, the bag contained the thief’s birth certificate, as well as a note from his mother. If the note didn’t say, “I’m ashamed of you”, the next one probably would, as he was arrested, and his blunder was made public knowledge.

Florida Man Arrested In Prison Parking Lot

For some people, the allure of the criminal lifestyle is simply too much to resist. But one Florida man took his inability to resist crime to the extreme after being released from jail in 2019. With freedom in his grasp, he stepped out into the open air, but didn’t even make it beyond the boundaries of the parking lot before the criminal urge overtook him.

Officers found him, a mere 15 minutes after his release, breaking into cars in the jail parking lot. In that short time, he’d managed to acquire an iPhone, four packets of cigarettes, a debit card, a driver’s license and $547 in cash. Needless to say, his taste of freedom proved extremely brief, as he was arrested and returned to jail immediately.

Man Attempts To Steal Police Car With Cop Inside

In the early hours of the morning of July 27th, 2017, a thief was wandering around downtown in Fort Pierce, Florida, looking for an opportunity. When he noticed a vehicle, which appeared to have been left with the keys in the ignition and engine running, it seemed to him like the perfect ride home. So, he started rattling the handle to the driver’s side in an attempt to get in.

However, he’d failed to notice two very important things. Firstly, that he was attempting to gain access to a police car. And secondly, he’d missed the fact that there was a police officer sitting in the passenger seat. Instantly clocking what was going on, the officer hopped out and detained the opportunistic but not-so-perceptive thief. On the bright side, he still got a free ride to the station, that is.

Robber Thinks He's Locked In The Bank

Most people have, at some point or other, experienced the awkwardness of trying to push a door that’s meant to be pulled, or vice versa. But no matter how much embarrassment a situation of this kind may have caused you in the past, it probably wasn’t as bad as it was for this next robber.

Walking into a bank, he wanders over to the desk, where his demands for cash are met with a hard “no” in the form of a metal shield. Fleeing, he becomes stuck at the door, and begins seeking a new exit. Thanks to a very oblivious older lady, the failed robber finally sees where he was going wrong, and makes his grand escape. Needless to say, with all those CCTV closeups of his face, it wasn’t hard for the police to catch the robber.

The Robber Thinks He Is Locked Into The Bank by Mr. Aleks

Ham Burglar

How far would you go for a tasty cut of premium meat? If you’re a vegan, you don’t have to answer that. But a man in Cadiz, Spain showed his commitment to premium pork in February 2016, when he broke into a tapas bar and stole 7 legs of Iberico Ham.

Lugging the legs away, alongside the cash till and a TV, he managed to make it home unnoticed, that was, until the next morning. When the bar owner discovered his ransacked place of work, he contacted the police, and a lead of a very unusual nature was found.

It turned out, when the burglar had stolen the ham, he’d dragged it to his home, leaving a trail of grease along the ground. The fatty trail led straight to the burglar’s house, inside which was found two legs of very tasty ham, an empty cash till, and an embarrassed-looking thief.

Cop Barking Like A Dog

Sometimes, catching a criminal comes down to the police using a few clever tactics. But the success of one such tactic, used by a police officer in Wiltshire, England in 2016, partly depended on the gullibility of the criminal he was pursuing.

When a police chase ended with the occupants of the target vehicle fleeing, the officer in pursuit had to think quick. Selecting one of the passengers, he chased them for a moment before losing sight of them. With the target’s escape seeming imminent, the officer made an unusual decision: he started barking like a dog. Of course, it’s important to mention that, before he started barking like a madman, the officer shouted out to the criminal that he had a police dog with him.

The officer hoped that, by making the fleeing suspect think he was about to be chased by a snarling police hound, he might surrender rather than risk a nasty bite. It seems the plan worked, because the target stopped, allowing the officer to arrest him. Whatever works, even if the whole thing does sound barking mad.

Learning The Card Way

As most rookie criminals learn early in their career, if you want to avoid getting caught, don’t try the stuff you see in TV and movies. It never goes to plan in real life. A German thief learned this the hard way back in 2007, when he attempted to replicate TV criminals by prying open his neighbor’s apartment door with his credit card.

Not only did the trick not work for the burglar, but the resident of the apartment was woken up by the sound of the failed attempt. The thief was able to flee before his neighbor saw him, but it didn’t take the apartment-owner long to realize who’d been trying to break in. That’s because the credit card the burglar had been using to try to pry the lock had snapped in half and been dropped during the attempt.

The half of the credit card that was left behind clearly said the thief’s name and account details, and when police investigated his apartment, they immediately found the other half. You can only wonder if this escapade and the ensuing arrest affected his credit score?

A Brief Mission

For some reason, dim-witted criminals seem to have a really hard time with doors. This was proven when this group of chumps tried to rob a jewelry store together, only to be stopped by the front door. Like the bank-robber friend from earlier, these wannabe robbers can’t quite grasp the idea that some doors require pulling rather than pushing.

Busted! 4 Dudes Try to Rob a Jewelry Store. Door Gets In Their Way. by Afrilens News TV

This minor hurdle brings the whole heist to an early close, as they immediately flee back into the getaway vehicle in an incredibly embarrassing failure. You can’t fault the attempted robbers for speed though: it was the perfect in-and-out job, only without the "in" part.

Sales Pitch

This next story of useless lawbreakers comes from Nelson Crocker. Nelson shared the brief tale of how thieves stole his dad’s generator, only to make some seriously dumb decisions in the aftermath. Looking to turn a quick profit, the thieves failed to do their research before selling it on to what they hoped would be an unsuspecting buyer.

If they’d used their brains even slightly, they’d have thought twice before attempting to sell the generator in the same area they stole it from. But, that day, intelligence was in short supply, and the thieves sold the generator to the original owner’s friend and neighbor, who lived just across the street.

As soon as he noticed the similarity to his neighbor’s missing machine, the friend put two-and-two together and gave it back to its rightful owner, before turning the thieves in. As hard as it can be at times, this is why keeping your neighbors on your good side can really pay off.

Stealing In Front Of Police Headquarters

Sometimes, a smart criminal is one who can spot an opportunity for a quick buck without consequences. But the "without consequences" part of that idea failed to be taken into consideration by a thief in Oregon in 2018. The opportunity in question was an expensive-looking bicycle, attached to a bike rack with an easily-breakable lock.

It seemed too easy to pass up, so the thief began cutting the lock with his bolt-cutters. That’s where his lack of risk-assessment became an issue, because that bike happened to be chained right outside the local police station. And while the thief was attempting to liberate the bike for his own use, he was caught in the act by one of the station’s officers.

Alleged Thief Caught On Camera Trying To Steal A Bike From In Front Of Police Headquarters | TIME by TIME

Pinned, arrested, and held on the ground, he had plenty of time for the stupidity of his actions to dawn on him while the officers gathered his information. But, on the bright side, he wouldn’t have far to walk to jail, so he wouldn’t be needing that bike.

Permanent Marker "Disguise"

When police were called to an attempted burglary in Carroll, Iowa back in 2009, the witness reports seemed a little strange. Allegedly, two men had been seen trying to break into an apartment with fake beards and masks scrawled onto their faces in permanent marker. Their attempt to burglarize the place had failed, and they’d fled the scene in their 1994 Buick Roadmaster.

While the report seemed a little nutty, the police were eventually able to track down a car matching the description, and when they pulled it over, the descriptions proved accurate. In the car were two very drunk young men, with permanent marker disguises as described.

These hilariously bad attempts to remain anonymous were, apparently, a drunken idea, as was the attempted burglary. But drunken escapade or not, the pair were charged with attempted burglary and drunken driving. If they’d used their brains for just a moment, the blundering burglars would’ve realized this inky story was always going to leave a permanent mark on their records.

Bribing Police With Donuts

When police officers in Frederick, Maryland received reports of a man peeking into parked cars late at night in July 2018, they apprehended him on suspicions of planned thievery. What the policemen hadn’t expected was for the guy to begin trying to bribe them, first with money, then with donuts.

Initially, they thought the donut offer was just a belligerent criminal’s attempt to mock them, but after a while, it became clear that he was totally serious. As it turned out, the suspect was actually an employee of Krispy Kreme donuts, and was legitimately trying to use his role to bribe the officers.

As tempting as the offer must’ve been, the officers stayed true to their principles, and having found illicit substances and an air pistol on the man, chose law & order over glazed goodness. The suspect was given a court date, and you can’t help wondering if he tried his donut method on the judge and jury when the big day rolled around.

Trapped In The Grease Vent

In 2018, police and firefighters were called to an abandoned Chinese restaurant in San Lorenzo, California, after reports of someone calling for help from inside the building. But when they arrived, they found nothing within the restaurant itself. It turned out the cries were coming from up above, from a man who, while attempting to burglarize the building, had become stuck in the restaurant’s grease vent.

For two days, he’d been wedged in foul-smelling, old filth, which had lined the vent walls so thick, they were too slick to climb out of. But, with a little help from the baffled officers, he finally found freedom. Embarrassed, dirty, but otherwise generally healthy despite his 2-day stay in slime city, it’s fair to say this rookie crook wouldn’t be breaking-and-entering through any vents again in a hurry.

Total Snooze Fest

This story came from YouTube viewer Si Ga, whose neighbor’s house was broken into by a hilariously-bad burglar. While the criminal was mid-burgle, the homeowner returned, and with no time to escape, the thief was forced to hide under a bed. Unluckily for the burglar, this bed belonged to the owner, who climbed onto it shortly after. With no other option, the burglar was forced to wait there until the homeowner fell asleep.

Soon, the bedroom was filled with the sound of snoring, only, the homeowner was still awake. As it turned out, the burglar had fallen asleep while waiting, and his snoring alerted the homeowner to his presence! It must’ve seemed like an awfully rude awakening when the police finally turned up to take sleeping beauty to the slammer!

Duct Tape Bandit

What do you do when you want to carry out a robbery but your balaclava is in the wash? Going by the example of one man from Ashland, Kentucky, all you need to do is grab the closest thing at hand to use as a mask. For this particular man, his disguise of choice was made from duct tape, which he wrapped around his face before attempting to rob a liquor store.

Despite threatening the clerk, the D.I.Y. disguise must’ve negated any intimidation he’d hoped for, as he was soon being chased out of the store by the wooden-club-wielding manager. Despite his attempts to flee his disastrous robbery attempt, the Duct Tape Bandit was tackled by the manager and held in place until the police arrived. With his face taped, and his arrest imminent, perhaps he finally realized what a sticky situation he’d created for himself!

High-Speed Pursuit

In January 2016, near Aberdeen, Scotland, a series of events took place that sound more like a sit-com than reality. It all began when a man was kicked off of a bus for being too drunk. In his intoxicated state, the man somehow managed to steal a mobility scooter, which he attempted to use to complete his journey home. His wobbly driving pattern grew concerning for other motorists on the road, and soon, the police were called.

When they arrived, however, the man refused to stop his wild ride, and led the police on a 5mph pursuit. Sadly, no one caught footage of the high-octane pursuit. Needless to say, the drunk’s slow-paced vehicle was no match for a police car, and the chase proved short-lived. He was arrested at double the legal driving limit for alcohol, proving you should never drink and scoot.

If you were amazed at these stupid criminals who must not want their freedom, you might want to read part 1. Thanks for reading!