Unbelievable Florida Man Headlines
Florida man. He's crazy, he's bold, and he doesn't care what you say. Let's explore some of the most bizarre Florida man stories ever.Society
If the United States were a joke, Florida would probably be the punchline. The crazy antics of the residents of the Sunshine State regularly make the news, and at the center of all this weirdness usually stands Florida Man.
From Florida Man memes to headlines like ‘Florida Man Fights Criminal Easter Bunny’ and ‘Florida Man Attacks Employees With Bearded Dragon’, the wild misadventures of these characters just keep getting crazier. With that, here are some unbelievable Florida Man stories guaranteed to raise a few eyebrows.
Florida Man Wore Woman's Wig To Escape Arrest
The art of disguise is a tricky one to master, as Florida resident Robert Walls found out back in 2019. Wanted on a series of drug charges, police had set up a perimeter around the residence Walls was staying in. But this criminal had other plans! Donning a hideous blonde wig, Walls grabbed his bike and prayed that the police wouldn’t recognize him.
The only problem with that plan was that the wig only covered his head, while the rest of him still matched the description the police were looking for. If anything, the terrible wig just drew more attention to him, and the police had no time foiling his not-so-cunning disguise.
Florida Man Breaks Into Restaurant And Strips
After a break-in at The Chattaway restaurant in St Petersburg, Florida, CCTV revealed a lot more than anyone expected. During the night, a homeless man had broken into the establishment, but instead of taking anything, he decided to get real comfortable.
Using the restaurant toilets, he stripped completely naked and began loudly playing a pair of bongos he’d brought with him. Tired from his bongo bonanza, he then sat outside and tucked into a meal of ramen noodles – which he’d brought from home – before cycling away, still totally butt naked!
The restaurant decided not to press charges seeing as he hadn’t stolen anything, but we do hope they disinfected all their seating thoroughly!
Florida Man Steals Rare Coins And Uses Them In Change Machines
When Shane Mele stole a collection of rare presidential coins from a North Palm Beach office, it’s hard to know for sure whether he knew they were worth around $33,000. But despite pawning a few of the rare coins for a couple of thousand dollars, for whatever reason, this clown ran the rest of them through change machines at a local grocery store!
Whether he’d undervalued the coins, or just desperately needed some change, is unclear. But if he’d used change machines to process all 33 presidential coins, worth about $1,000 each, he would have only gotten about $29.30 in exchange! He was arrested with some of the coins still on him, but many had been carelessly spent at change machines.
Florida Men And The Operation Twitter Fail
Florida man doesn’t just make headlines in America; no state borders could contain that much stupid. In May 2020, two ex-military Florida men were hired by the acting president of Venezuela, Juan Guaido, under the company name Silvercorp.
They were hired to infiltrate Venezuela and hold high-value targets hostage, which they believed would make the Venezuelan government crumble and consolidate Guaido’s power.
This is some serious plotting, so the last place any sane person would want this exposed is social media. Yet, for some reason, Silvercorp took to Twitter and announced the start of their operation by tagging the president of the United States!
Unsurprisingly, this operation was doomed from the start. For one, it was led by Florida men, and two, they were arrested by the authorities before they even made it into Venezuela! Next time, maybe try hiring mercenaries from anywhere but Florida.
Florida Woman Pulls Aligator Out Of Her Pants During Traffic Stop
But it’s not just Florida man that makes the news, especially not when it comes to reptiles! Florida Woman also throws her hat in the ring from time to time, as proven when one lady was pulled over after running a stop sign.
Claiming she and her partner had been collecting frogs and snakes at an underpass nearby, the woman opened her backpack to reveal 41 turtles! But that wasn’t the weirdest part; when asked if there was anything else, she then proceeded to pull a foot-long alligator she’d been trying to smuggle out of her pants!
Both of them were cited for illegally possessing the reptiles, which were then seized and released. I wonder if she was trying to take the term 'trouser snake' to the next level.
Florida Man Who Threatened Family With Coldplay Lyrics Ends Police Standoff After Being Offered Pizza
Life-or-death situations often hinge on one crucial element, but for Evan McLemore of Pensacola, Florida, that element was a slice of pizza! In 2019, Evan, who had a criminal history of violence, threatened his family via texts, which, oddly, included the lyrics to Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’.
Re-purposing the originally-uplifting lyrics, ‘Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones’, as a seemingly-sinister warning, he barricaded his home and threatened to hurt himself to avoid returning to prison. SWAT was called in to help deal with the stand-off, but after 4 hours they decided to up the ante by ordering a pizza.
Believing that the negotiators would simply hand him some of the cheesy, doughy goodness, the deranged Florida man was lured out and taken into custody. While it’s not clear if he was ever served a slice, he would certainly be served some charges at his court hearing!
Florida Man Shoots Facebook Friend In The Butt After Political Argument
Keyboard Warriors can get into heated arguments about almost anything on the internet. But whilst keyboard warriors are usually all talk, one resident from Tampa, Florida, decided to take his internet rage into the real world. After a political argument on Facebook, registered democrat Brian Sebring turned up at his friend Alex Stephen's home and shot him in the butt!
Although he fled the scene, Sebring later surrendered to the police. Can you imagine how ridiculous he must sound in jail? “I’m in for homicide, how about you?” “Oh, I just shot my friend over a Facebook argument”. Just keep it to the comments section next time!
Florida Man Shoots And Kills Pet Zebra He Did Not Have a Permit For After Animal Escapes
There are many animals that you can legally hunt in designated places around Florida, but a Zebra isn’t one of them. That is why Larry Brantley faced more than a couple of questions when he shot and killed his pet Zebra in front of his neighbors after it escaped from his Callahan ranch!
While the not-so-epic showdown between man and zebra eventually got the police involved, it wasn’t the shooting the authorities were concerned with. Florida law states that it’s illegal to own a Zebra without a permit; something Brantley didn’t have. Despite killing the animal in cold blood, he was only cited for the lack of a permit!
Florida Man Cements Himself At Governor's Mansion
Whilst the American Constitution grants citizens the right to protest, you can always count on a Florida man to really make a demonstration. Jason Mazurek decided to stage a one-man protest against prison conditions in the wake of the COVID-19 outbreak.
While his intentions were pure, his decision to do this by encasing both of his arms in concrete in the driveway of the Florida Governor’s mansion was just dumb.
Even though he clearly thought this would make him hard to move, the emergency services were called and freed him in a matter of hours. But if he was so concerned about COVID-19, did he really think gathering the emergency services in close proximity to get him out was a good idea? Next time just leave him there. The local kids can use him as a goalkeeper!
Florida Man Rigged Door To Electrocute Wife
When a couple of lovebirds get into a fight, sparks can really fly. But one Florida man took that idea several steps too far by hatching a plan to electrocute his wife! In 2017, Michael Wilson decided the best way to end his failing marriage would be to rig electrical devices to the lock and handle of his fathers-in-law’s front door.
As you might’ve inferred, it was designed to electrocute anyone that tried to unlock it. That said, Michael did warn his father-in-law about not touching the door, which – understandably – arose suspicion. The father-in-law rang the police following Wilson’s suspicious warning, who kicked down the door and observed a large spark as they did so!
The whole attempt was apparently directed at Michael’s estranged, pregnant wife, and he was charged with attempted aggravated battery. With his combo of crime and amateur electronics, I bet this guy has more battery charges than the Energizer Bunny!
Florida Professor Fired After Students Notice Inappropriate Bookmark During Zoom Class
With the world in lockdown, many college classes have been shifted online, using video conference calls for teaching. But the University of Miami Lecturer John Zhang recently learned an important lesson about sharing your screen with the class.
As he was teaching, his students noticed an indecent bookmark on the lecturer’s web browser labeled ‘busty college girl’! Which is about as bad a bookmark as you could possibly get caught with as a college teacher. One student who noticed the bookmark made a TikTok video of the incident that suddenly went viral, leading to this lust-filled lecturer’s resignation.
Word to the wise, use an incognito window next time But, hey, maybe we’ve got it wrong? Maybe the full bookmark actually reads: “Busty college girl fundraiser for Breast Cancer Research”? Well, probably not.
Florida Easter Bunny Fights In Defense Of Woman
Orlando’s answer to The Easter Bunny doesn’t deliver eggs; he delivers justice! Back in 2019, a man dressed as the Easter bunny on a bar crawl helped defend a woman who was being attacked. The furry crusader hopped into the fray and began pummelling the attacker on the sidewalk!
The brawl was eventually broken up by Orlando police, but this bunny’s story didn’t end there. Costume Crusader Antoine McDonald donned the suit once again, almost a year later, in an attempt to hide from police following a hit-and-run incident!
Though his previous heroic act was undeniably valiant, his arrest exposed a long rap sheet of prior convictions and outstanding warrants. Looks like this bunny took things a whisker too far.
Florida Man Finds WWII Grenade And Brings It To Taco Bell
Imagine you accidentally stumble across a bomb, what’s the first thing you do? Most people’s answer doesn’t involve driving to Taco Bell, but for one Florida Man, that was his exact response. He’d been ‘magnet fishing’ for precious metals in a nearby river when he pulled up more than just scrap. To his surprise, he managed to snag a World War II hand grenade!
But instead of backing away and calling the cops, this genius decided to take the bomb in his car with him to Taco Bell. And only then did he call 911! Thankfully, the bomb was safely disposed of by professionals after the restaurant was evacuated, which was, of course, a good thing, because nobody wants shrapnel in their guacamole.
Florida Man Arrested For Throwing Alligator Through Drive-Thru Window
When Joshua James of Jupiter, Florida decided to pull a prank at a Wendy’s, it became one of the most ‘Florida Man’ feats ever to grace the internet. Pulling up at the drive-through window, James collected his drink from the employee before reaching into the passenger seat and grabbing a three- and half-foot-long alligator!
While the employee’s back was turned, he hurled the alligator through the window and sped off, frightening the life out of the Wendy’s worker. She was so terrified that she even tried to clamber out of the window!
Defending her idiotic son, James’ mother later claimed it was just a stupid prank, but the police didn’t see the funny side of it. He was charged with illegally possessing an alligator and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon! Although the only weapon I see here is this guy’s hazardous stupidity.
Florida Man Hit Employees With Bearded Dragon Lizard
Joshua James’s Wendy’s escapade is far from the only recorded case of using a reptile as a deadly weapon, this is Florida we’re talking about, after all! Benjamin Herbert Siegel, the owner of Siegel’s Reptiles pet store, was arrested after using a bearded dragon to assault store employees.
But that’s not even the weirdest part! Seigel first decided to put the little dragon in his mouth before going on his reptile rampage. He swung the creature around his head, struck employees with the animal, and then threw Gatorade on them; even his drink attack was reptile-themed!
While the bearded dragon’s fate is unknown, Siegel was arrested at his store and charged with two counts of battery and animal cruelty. Although it looks like he was suffering from some kind of reptile dysfunction.
Florida Man Tried To Rob Store Pretending Fingers Are A Gun
Most people have a pretty strong understanding that finger guns don’t actually work in any of the ways real firearms do. But in 2015, one Florida man thought the intimidation factor of a real gun might still be available at his fingertips. Troy Cowart, a resident of Daytona Beach, tried to hold up a Subway sandwich bar with his fingers pressed through his shirt, imitating a gun.
But when an employee called out the obvious fakery, Cowart then claimed he had a knife instead, readjusting his fingers to the new purpose. It worked about as well as you’d expect. This somewhat simple man was eventually scared off when the manager threatened to call the police.
But that didn’t stop him from trying the same trick at a nearby restaurant, where he was equally unsuccessful! He was eventually picked up on charges of attempted robbery, which he was already on probation for! Seems like this is a case of once bitten, twice stupid.
Florida Man Arrested For Botched Castration
It’s a common procedure in Florida for police to follow up on some calls to 911 that hang up straight away. After all, some people in life-or-death situations are unable to speak. But one incident of this kind that officers responded to was, quite literally, nuts. They checked in on 74-year-old Gary Van Ryswyk after he hung up on an emergency call, but when they arrived, the old man revealed something horrifying.
He’d just performed a castration on another man, but the operation hadn’t gone to plan! Deputies found the victim bleeding heavily in the next room, which was made up like a budget operating theater and quickly transferred him to a real hospital.
Van Ryswyk assured officers everything was consensual, and that he’d performed a number of other castrations at home for eunuch fetishists, including the removal of one of his own family jewels years before! Despite all the reassurances, he was charged with practicing medicine without a license resulting in bodily injury. Looks like he really dropped the ball on that one!
Florida Gym-Goers Protest Lockdown With Push-Ups
When all gyms in Florida were ordered to close on account of the COVID-19 outbreak, fitness freaks across the state began to get antsy. But after two months without their precious workout equipment, a group of Florida men and women decided to gather in protest outside the Clearwater Court House.
And how did they decide to protest? By doing squats and push-ups on the street. Nothing quite proves you absolutely have to go to the gym like demonstrating you can exercise perfectly fine without a gym.
Florida Man Says Syringes Found In His Rectum Aren't His
Have you ever found something in your pocket and thought “where’d this come from?” Well, if you’re Florida resident Wesley Scott, you can take that confusion one step further. After being arrested and strip-searched following a drug charge, Scott proceeded to remove not one, not two, but three syringes from his rectum.
Most bizarrely of all, he claimed that they weren’t his and he had no idea how they got up there! Either this Florida Man thought the police were as dumb as him, or there’s a very sneaky degenerate with very dirty hands prowling around somewhere in Florida!
I hope you were amazed at the antics of the infamous Florida Man. Thanks for reading!